Fear turns to Motivation...

In order to understand my fear turns to motivation, I have to take you back a few months. My last half was a PR 2:04! I haven't seen that number in several years, after a car accident and over two years to recover fully, I didn't think I could run like I use to. I found that not to be true, my boyfriend told me I had it in me; I didn't believe him or in myself. However, that day of the Vancouver USA half I found it again. With the help of three men who believed in me when I didn't believe in myself. My dad has always told me I could do anything I put my mind to. Chris, told me there was no reason I could not run 8-minute mile. Bart Yasso who I've only met recently, saw me at the start of the race and asked me what I thought I would do the race in, and I replied 2:30 if I am lucky, he looked at me and said no you can do it much faster at least 2:00. I laughed and said thanks, but I don't think so. When the gun went off I thought about what Bart had said and our conversation about how fast I looked... Maybe just maybe I can come close to my PR time of 2:05, oh that would be great, but not wanting to get my hopes up. I set my site on a 2:15 just so I would not be disappointed in myself. As I ran and kept track of my times, I was on pace to run a good race, but I didn't want to get too excited I was only at mile 6. AT about, mile 9, that self-doubt was creeping in, but I heard that very familial voice, it was my dad cheering me on, just like he did at all my soccer games when I was a kid, his voice kept me going. I looked at my garmin and new if I had any change of coming in at a decent time I needed to keep on pace. As I came up on mile 12, all was good, I can do this! Just as quick as I started to believe my biggest challenge was right in front of me. I wanted to quit I had no chance of a PR, but then another voice popped in my head, my boyfriend Chris, telling me if you can run up the hill like you run down you could be faster...With that I took off no hill was going to make me miss that PR I was to close to having. I got to the top, and it was a down hill to the finish, yet another obstacle came and that was crapping in my feet. So I dug deep and told myself to run and deal with it at the finish. As I got closer I could see the clock, and I saw my PR. Now here I am months later I didn't get back out and run weeks went by, and my shoes got dusty. It was like I wanted to lose all the hard work I had put in order to get faster. Every time I thought about running I was excited and ready to go, but something would stop me. All the excuses I could come up with worked and kept me from getting out the door... I have had to push myself to get moving. Yesterday I ran 1 mile in 8:45 minute miles okay that is seriously good for me and then today I ran 3 miles in 8:40 minute mile, wow that is a new PR. So as I sat and waited for my son, I started thinking, what is truly stopping me? Why am I sabotaging my runs? After really taking a good hard look back at the last few months, it hit me like a tone of bricks....The fear of not being capable of doing it again, not being able to keep up the pace and disappointing the ones I am running with. I seem to forget why I am running. It's not to keep up but to have fun....